I watched Insidious (Chapter 1) today and I felt very proud of myself. One of my biggest fears is that unknown depth that could or could not come from death. It’s almost ironic to be afraid of dying, because I find myself preoccupied with my “second life” before I’ve even given myself the chance to live the first! Or maybe there isn’t a second one at all? Death is a mystery that I am not excited to solve.
But to fear it is something else entirely. I’ve been working on this fear over the past year because I know I want to live my life to the fullest from beginning to end, no matter what that end may be. The mere thought tends to make my mind race and my heart overload, but I’ve finally gotten to the point where watching a scary movie about that very thing (sort of — no spoilers here I promise), makes me feel excited, not terrified.
Excited, because I am reminding myself that it’s just a movie for sheer entertainment, and boy was I entertained.
I have a few fears: thanatophobia (the fear of death) and arachnophobia. But I think fears can make us healthy, if we learn how to deal with them. I have a theory that those who claim to have no fears are actually afraid of their own fearlessness. Fear can remind us to live, because moments are precious. Fear can remind us that we are living. The statement of being “Scared to death” is ironic to me, since I feel that being frightened usually makes one feel very alive — once all is said and done, and you realize you’re completely fine.
Or maybe you’re not completely fine, but you know you will be, or can be. There is an upside to fear, so I have decided not to eradicate mine completely, but to face it from time to time and remind myself that I’m still living.
And so, with a very, very cautious (and yes — slightly fearful) heart, I add on to my 30 before 30 list:
20. Face my arachnophobia.
I obviously can’t just go out and face my fear of death, unless I see a classic game of Russian roulette in my future. (Which trust me, I definitely don’t!) But I can start with the other one. I haven’t decided how I will face my fear of spiders, but all I know is one day, I want to be able to say, I confronted a spider and I was not afraid, and mostly importantly — I’m still living!